Monica's Testimony
I have typed and retyped this testimony. I have prayed for direction and even thought I had completed it but I don’t feel like I have revealed enough (and I have revealed plenty). So now I am rereading and adding to this one more time.
I was born into a Pentecostal family and have always gone to church. My parents have always been active in any church we have attended but I didn’t really make an effort to be a “Christian” until I was about 15. I received the Holy Ghost but never learned what it took to stay in church. I now know you have to have a REAL relationship with God. And it is possible! It just takes a little commitment to praying daily (sometimes I pray several times during the day, because he is the only one who REALLY cares whatever it is I am dealing with at that moment), and reading my bible.
Back to being 15. I meet CL (my first husband), he became my best friend. He was the first person that I had ever opened up to about being molested at age 5 and again at age 12. We were in love (so we thought!) We were in and out of church but after 4 years of dating, 7 years of marriage, 2 kids and his 3 affairs, we divorced. I started back to church and CL was not done with me, so he started going to church too. Through some misguided advise from a preacher, we remarried but divorced again after 3 months. I fell out of church again and lived in sin for a long time, partying, drinking, running around but not much into any kinds of drugs at that time, just enjoying being single. I decided I needed to settle down and my children needed a man in their life. So I married a Baptist man and was married to him for 8 years. I went to church for 5 of those years (he went to his, I went to mine). After he had an affair with a 15 year old girl, we divorced. I moved in with a crazy man that was into drugs and I occasionally used drugs with him. Up to this point in my life, I can honestly say I never was addicted to any drug. After 18 months of a very crazy life, I left him one day with only the clothes on my back. It was the only way I knew I was going to be able to get away.
Long story a little shorter, I was reacquainted and moved in with Buzzy. Buzzy has always been an awesome guy and I have known him for many years. 2 years after living together, we married. As good as he was to me, he still didn’t fill the empty spot in my life. I was happy but couldn’t figure out why I was restless. Which brings us up to now.
On August 26th, 2009 I was miserable and had been for a very long time. I knew I was under conviction and had been running from God for a very long time. I talked to friends about it, I talked to Buzzy about it (he tried to understand but had never been in church so he didn’t know how to help me). My life changed this Wednesday night but let me tell you a short version of where I was. Even when I made up my mind to change my life, I couldn't. There was this voice in my head saying things like: You have tried before and failed. Why do you want a man to stand in the pulpit and dictate your life? Someone telling you what you can and cannot do? What to wear? How to fix your hair? Where to go? And even if you go back to church, you won't stay because you lose interest and get bored and know you have more fun now then you did when you were in church. I even thought about going to a different kind of church. I even visited a few. Honestly, if I am not going to feel God in a service, I am not going to bother getting dressed and leaving my house. I even worried that God was tired of waiting on me and may not accept me back. The longer I let the devil feed me these lies, the worse I got. I am not writing this to give Satan any credit but to give God glory. I also am not writing this for anyone to judge me because God is my only judge and he has forgiven AGAIN! I only hope in sharing parts of my story it may help someone else out there struggling with life’s decisions. I had a wonderful life. I have a beautiful home and family. My husband is a wonderful man who loves me. My children love me and are healthy. I have two-step children that respect me and also love me and I love them. I have a granddaughter that I love as if she is my own. AND I was miserable. To the outside world looking in, they didn't have a clue. I put on a happy face but I hated my life and me.
I was going to school for my RN degree and some days I would get so overwhelmed with everything I had to do between work, school, family and home life that I wanted to just crawl in bed and stay there. I was given Lortabs due to a bulging disc in my back. While I worked I took them because I needed them for pain in my back. The boy I was taking care of, passed away and I think that was a turning point for me. I quit caring. I slowly started doing things to feel better but nothing filled that empty spot that I have been talking about. When I was no longer employed, I took the lortabs to help fill the empty place in my heart. I began to take more and more. My husband even caught me snorting a pill one day and we had a major fight. I lied to him and said it was the first time and only because I hurt so bad I was hoping it would work faster. I would take all of mine before time for my next prescription and buy them off the street. Soon, they were not enough. I found out, someone I knew, could get some crystal meth (crank) and so I started buying and using it. It got me out of bed and my house got clean, my homework done and I felt so much better. Then, I failed my RN boards and went to bed with extreme depression, which lasted a couple months. I finally decided the only way to beat the depression was to go back to the crank, so I did. I went from snorting crank(several months) to snorting cocaine (several more months)to smoking cocaine (crack). I borrowed money from friends, used my husband’s money (which he started noticing but was waiting to approach me about. When he did, I always had a good lie that was almost convincing) and I did anything I could for that high (everything short of prostitution, I never broke my marriage vows).I never put a needle in my arm and never would. I had watched many people lose everything due to a needle and I thought because I didn't that I was still OK.
I hated me more because for the first time in my life my kids went on a back burner. My kids were always very important to me and I honestly didn't even notice that I had left them behind. They never knew any of this until I quit, then I was honest with them. They are adults and I knew I had failed them and needed to correct that in order for me to feel better. I wanted my son to know that because he has an addiction doesn't make him a bad person but he could get help and I knew where to tell him to find his healer. He isn't quite ready but I am still praying for him. I also sat down and had a long talk with my suspecting husband. I failed him deeply and he deserves better than I can ever give him but he loves me. He chose to forgive me but a lot of things changed between us. He no longer trusts me with money or much of anything but I deserve all the guidelines he has sat in place and am just happy he decided to keep me. We still have a few problems due to my use of drugs but he knows I am sincere in my lifestyle change and he is just waiting. At some point, during my addiction and conviction, I wrote some very dear Christian friends and asked them to pray for me. I only told them i was under conviction and sick of my life. I am so thankful for those prayers.
On that particular Wednesday night, a friend's 19 year old daughter came to my house, crying, because her parents are also addicts (she had no clue about me) and making her life miserable. She stayed for several hours and during that time, I made up my mind. I din't know where or how but I was going to church and was hoping God would meet me there. It was 6:30 pm when she left my house and at 7:05p I walked in the back doors of the House of Prayer in Charmco, WV, showered and ready for a change in my life. The worship hit me like a drawing force as I came in the doors. I felt like I was home. It took everything I had to wait for altar call but cried the entire service, I was the first one at the altar and God changed me. As I was leaving the service God confirmed to me that this was the church he wanted me to attend. Bro. Tim Hart (the pastor) shook my hand and revealed that confirmation with the words, I believe God gave him to say to me. He said" Monica, I am not going to pray for you about rules, regulations, dress code, or standards, you have heard them all your life. I am going to pray for you to gain a relationship with God". I realize now that I had never had a TRUE relationship with God.
I went to church and did what I was told but that will only keep you so long, you HAVE to have a relationship with God. And that is what I had been searching for.I did not get refilled with the Holy Ghost that night but I was faithful to attend every service, If I fell down during the week, I went to church and repented again. Sis. Lanie Jones (my cousin) invited me to a Ladies conference and I jumped at the chance to go. During the Friday night service God refilled me with the Holy Ghost while worshipping him in my pew. My addictions are gone! I am a happier person and I am learning everyday about a relationship (MY relationship) with God. He wants to be my best friend and I want him to be my best friend. Growing up we was taught all the standards, rules and regulations but somehow I missed out learning about the LOVE of God. I am not perfect, by any means. I do know that I am determined and I truly LOVE God. I leave our church services feeling encouraged to live better because I love God. I have never left a service at House of Prayer, under Bro. Tim Hart, feeling beat down or discouraged but happier and joyful.
I thank my pastor and his family for loving their saints. I respect them and want my life to be a testimony in itself. I also want to Thank my sister and best friend, Patricia, for praying for me and encouraging me and she continues to call and rejoice with me. My cousin, Lanie, who has been my strong supporter and friend, my parents for never waivering in their faith in God and their prayers for their children. I want to thank Sheila Harrell, even though she doesn’t claim to be a Christian, she is a faithful friend and always allows me to brag on God and she will even discuss church with me in EVERY phone call. (I am praying she will join me soon) My friend, Joetta, who prayed continuously for me and still does. My friend, Debbie Humphrey’s who taught me that even though you are a Christian you can be friendly to sinners because she was so friendly to me and let God’s love shine at every class we attended together for 3 and a half years. I want to Thank my husband Buzzy. He doesn’t claim to be a Christian but goes to church with me every Sunday and is learning and willing to learn and has been my solid rock. Thank you for knowing how to really love someone. I want to Thank anyone taking the time to read this and if you prayed for me, thank you. Please use this testimony in any beneficial way that you may need to. If you have a family member walking my road, let them read it. I am ashamed of my past but winning souls and saving lives is more important to me than hiding my testimony. I give God the most Thanks and praise. I can be contacted at MonicaFox50@hotmail.com